you were just a boy, on a bed, in a room. Like a kaleidoscope is a tube full of bits of broken glass. But the way i saw you was pieces refracting the light, shifting into an infinite universe of flowers and rainbows and insects and planets. magical dividing cells, pictures no one else knew.

driving home to that apartment in silverlake, i would think of you and i could always still taste you on my lips. shuddering as i closed the door and remembered the way your fingertips move. falling in love with you was the most naive thing i have ever done.

looking on the bright side
when there is no bright side

"YOUR A FUCKING DRUG ADDICT NOW"


arent we all


it doesnt matter anymore. we will never change. we will just go on being us, and maybe we arent supposed to be together. is it worth sacrifice?

uhhg..i think i might be dropping out soon...

in webmastering..
everything at school is the same. but i guess i dont mind.



it is actually some kind fo weird sense of stability here. the people dont change. you see the same faces every day. even though your not here, but i guess thats a good thing.

my new years eve - * no parties
* no drugs
* no sex
* no family
* no food
* no alcohol


im impressed, proud, and crying.

we sit in restaurants, underdressed and starving. getting drunk on expensive wine. it feels like love, what is this?

HAHAHA


oh man, i have been having the BEST last few days

ANNND im moving!!! in about 2 months probly

jole.
that name rolls of my tongue like i was meant to whisper it in yor ear. his eyes burn green and he smells like whiskey.

i dont think i would be willing to change for you

take me back to bed prince charming


with my mouth wide open, you can feel everything. i still dont feel anything. your name comes out in gasps and i cant close my eyes tight enough. you mean nothing to me. next to the water, with the sky painted on the ceiling, i could swear this is a dream. but you still call me on your break.


please dont, dont take me back to bed.
i found what i was looking for and it isnt you.

one weekend, and you think your in love.
sex is the most meaningless act.


you fucked up this time.

i get off ont he fact that your going to die soon.
i wish you noticed me today. i wore different clothes.

halloween is comming soon. joey, kristin, travis, blake. drugs and candy. one night.


i wish things were different. but i would never tell you that.

today in math class, i told you i had missed you.
you look right through me.

jake jake jake jake jake jake *throw up* yep, jake

hearing your voice over the lines connecting us from hollywood video and travis' was this intense stab. i know you dont read this, and yet i still type to you. all for you. you. you. you.

i havnt stopped crying in how long? i havnt slept in how long? i havnt smiled in how long?

i just want to forget..thats all i want


im tired of not sleeping and doing drugs. im sick of being sick. im tired of crying through all of my classes. looking out that window in 3rd period and being able to see your house and imagining me and you playing with katie. im tired of seeing max at school and him trying to tell me things about you. im tired of being here without you i just want to forget. thats all i want.

lie to me
lie to me
lie to me
lie to me
lie to me

fuck you

SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT SLUT
you took it away from me okay? what do you expect?





"blah blah blah whoring yourself around blah blah hillarious" *ouch..*


Jake.Regret.Jake.Rememberence.Love.Jake.Jake.Jake.Jake.Sorrow.Bitterness.Jake.Jake.Jake.Jake.Jake jake jake jake jake jake jake jake jake jake jake. Black Truck. Old Man Staring At Us. First Time I Touched You That Way, FIRST TIME I TOUCHED ANYBODY THAT WAY. jake. jake.jake.jake.jake.jake.regret.pain.pain.pain.jake.jake.jake.jake.jake.First Time You Touched Me. First time you Lied to Me. jake.jake.Jake.Jake.Jake.Our First Time.jake.jake.jake.jake.jake.jake.our first time our first time our first time ourfirsttime. my first time. losing myself to you. losing to you. losing. losing. losing. jake.jake.jake.jake.first date.wafflehouse.second date.waffle house.jake.jake.jake.meat locker sex.jake.jake.jake.the life i had.jake.jake.jake.jake.jake.jake.samantha.

what the hell am i hoping for? that you'll "fall in love" with me again and we'll live happily ever after in a beautifull house like we planned? no. no. i know better than that. no i dont. ive just given up. how many times have i done that? how many? how many?

movies, mall, vet, mexican restauraunt, you told me the truth, i died, you left me at my house crying for you, you left me to do this all on my own, you make up reasons to justify it....i make up reasons to keep loving you. because there isnt one god damned shred of love in you for me and i keep hoping, keep hoping, for what? what is it all for? i never wore dresses and i am immature. look what has happened to me. i never thought....you told me i could trust you...trust.you.trust.you had to leave me because i couldnt change the way you wanted, i couldnt morph myself into the perfect smamantha and you couldnt pretend anymore? yeah. i just wish you had let me know from the start what i was going to have to live up to. what i was competeing with, what i was up against. Sometimes im sorry for not being able to become that girl you wanted me to become because i cant stay here without you, but sometimes i dont mind that im not her because i dont know if i would be happy. but im not happy like this either. its lose lose. lose.lose.lose.

this is the definition of irony.

you should have told me what i was up against, what you were intending on changing me into...

i met someone at the mall today.

passion fueled by drugs. what happened to us?

we get drunk, we go driving, we go to star bucks and hide in clossets. we have memories, we understand each other, we know how to comunicate, we have non sex with emily together, we play with the slinky cats and give them jolly ranchers and they run away to hide them, we dye our hair and make funny names for doing drugs, we stare at each other, we laugh. he doesnt judge me and he doesnt yell at me and he doesnt make me cry and he gives me sweet kisses that make me feel floaty, he lets me rest my head on his lap. he gives me reasons to wake up in the mornings and thats incredible. look at us and our non relationship, its amazing and free and happy and i am smiling.